Should advertising people take performance enhancing drugs?

Based on what I’ve seen lately, during the Super Bowl and the Oscars (not to mention Good Morning America and the Today Show), my humble suggestion would have to be — bring it. Now, don’t get me wrong. I worked in the biz in the 80’s. And let me go on the record as saying blowing your mind, ending up in the hospital, destroying your life and family is not what I would call performance enhancing. But…

Showing a guy being blown away by speakers for a magnetic tape is an ad that was performance enhanced. Having a really fast talking man sell you on the virtues of overnight package delivery is also p. e’d. Even coming up with a line, whether you believe it or not, as good as “it’s morning again in America,” that is performance. A stain in the shape of Joe Montana — good.

And think about it. Coffee — definitely a drug — that’s pounded by yours truly to the tune of four to five cups a day, including my trusty afternoon Turkish (or Greek or Armenian depending on where you hail from) — with my trusty Ibrik. Martinis? Well, let’s see, three martini lunches, though a cliche, and we had prosperity, happiness, and new Buffalo Springfield albums. Three herbal tea lunches and we’ve got recession, depression, and Beyonce mouthing lyrics to songs she didn’t even write. Nothing against her great talent, don’t get me wrong, I’m just saying.

As for steroids? Well, I’m not so sure. How much muscle tone does it take to move a mouse anyway? Other substances? Well, it is not the purpose or place of this blog to suggest. But something must be done. Put it this way, if there was a Barry Bonds of big ideas (and there are several) I would say, the hell with it, put ’em in the Hall of Fame — art directors, copywriters, whatevers. Otherwise, the vignette tsunami will wash us all away.

Suggestions?

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